


your side of the bed

by atemzug



Category: BTOB
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Exes, M/M, Mentions of/Allusions to Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 11:48:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22683214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atemzug/pseuds/atemzug
Summary: Hyunsik tries to keep both sides of the bed warm.
Relationships: Jung Ilhoon/Lim Hyunsik
Kudos: 8





	your side of the bed

**Author's Note:**

> i long for the day i write something with substance and not pointless at all... i also long for the day i don't write these two as exes anymore...

It’s cold, Hyunsik thinks, as he falls into bed with someone other than Ilhoon.

It shouldn’t be this cold. _ He _shouldn’t be this cold.

Between him and Ilhoon, he’s always been the warm one.

Why has there been too much change, when all that should’ve changed was the way they felt about each other? And yet, somehow, Hyunsik’s sure even that hasn’t changed at all— or, at least, judging by the way he still manages to think about Ilhoon even as someone else’s hands are undoing the buttons of his shirt, he’s sure that the way he feels about Ilhoon is the exact same way he felt for him back when they were together.

It’s been this way for a few months now: someone kisses their way down Hyunsik’s neck, and all he can think about is how much he wishes it were Ilhoon’s lips making their way down his body instead, marking him on places he’d willingly give up ownership of if it's to Ilhoon. 

Hyunsik never used to do this, though. He never used to sleep around with people he barely knew, wasting the night away while his system’s intoxicated by alcohol. He knew Ilhoon used to do it, way back before they even met; Ilhoon always told Hyunsik he’d stopped doing it after their supposed one-night-stand -- except Hyunsik got Ilhoon's number and took him out on a date the next day. Hyunsik never minded it; he accepted Ilhoon wholly, without reservations. Now, though, he can’t help but wonder if he really knew Ilhoon as well as he thought.

Now that it’s him doing this: sleeping around, claiming to be drunk when he’s only really drunk three bottles at most — not even a quarter of what he can tolerate, but enough to make people _ and himself _believe that this is only possible because of the influence of alcohol — and kissing people who seem to be too eager when he’s just a notch above bored, he wonders what could’ve driven Ilhoon to do this back then. Is it lust? Hormones? Attraction? Boredom?

Love?

Surely not.

Heartbreak?

Hyunsik can’t really say for sure. 

For himself, though, heartbreak is the absolute, one thing in this lifetime that could possibly lead him to bring other people inside his apartment in the middle of the night and let them lie down beside him. 

“You feel so good,” the girl whose name he can’t even remember whispers in his ear as she grinds her hips. It feels good, yes, but it’s not the same.

It will never be the same.

Nothing will ever be the same.

The bed is cold. Hyunsik is cold. It feels wrong to have nameless people using _ their _ bed. But not having Ilhoon here already feels wrong enough, so what harm can more wrong do?

He lets out a sigh, disguised as an expression of satisfaction. 

He tries to be in the moment, tries to seem more present, tries to grind his hips and thrust slowly. There’s no use when all he can think about is how badly he wants the person he’s pinning down to be Ilhoon instead.

He kisses her. Even her lips are cold.

Why has there been too much change, when all that should’ve changed was the way Hyunsik and Ilhoon felt about each other? And Hyunsik wonders if Ilhoon’s feelings ever really changed at all, or if he just grew tired of the careful routine Hyunsik feels like he’d just forced onto him. 

Full disclosure, he wishes Ilhoon still feels the same way.

Fuck routine. Hyunsik’s willing to sacrifice all that if it means having the warmth he’d grown so used to back in his life again. There’s a multitude of things Hyunsik is now willing to let go of and change if it means the one thing he wants as a constant in his life comes back and never changes again. He’d even give up composing and producing, if that were what Ilhoon wants. But he knows Ilhoon wouldn’t want that, either. 

He always wonders, too, if Ilhoon also stopped making music after the breakup. Hyunsik did. Not because he wanted to, or because it brought back memories of bitterness, but because he simply _ couldn’t. _His friends have been telling him to be more productive and turn his heartbreak into art. But he can’t. It’s too precious— every moment that lingers in his heart and mind is too precious to put into words and notes and chords and melodies for other people’s consumption. He couldn’t possibly bring himself to exploit his and Ilhoon’s time together. He hopes Ilhoon feels the same.

He and Ilhoon have always been different, though, and Hyunsik acknowledges that. So if one day, he’d just hear a song produced by Ilhoon on the radio and he’d immediately realize it’s about him, about them, he wouldn’t hold grudges at all. Besides, holding grudges against Ilhoon seems impossible for him, anyway; he’s always been too soft for the other, too weak, too helpless. That’s precisely why, when Ilhoon had just dropped the bomb that he wanted to break up, there was nothing else Hyunsik could do but agree, even when he could almost literally feel his heart shattering into a million pieces.

Until now, really, whenever he thinks about how he could’ve fought for their relationship instead of just letting it happen, his heart still breaks. It’s something he should learn to live with now, because he’d been a little too into his own world to notice the things he lacked.

Ilhoon never complained nor nagged. He whined, yes, but Hyunsik never thought too heavily about any of it. He attributed it to Ilhoon just being Ilhoon: playful, carefree, a little too tactless for his own good, but over all a very loving and caring person— at least, to Hyunsik, he was all that.

Now, Ilhoon’s just someone from the past. He’s just someone who used to make the bed feel cozy and safe, someone who used to give Hyunsik warmth, albeit unknowingly. 

Now, the bed just feels so cold and empty, even with someone else’s body filling in the space Ilhoon left.

Now, Hyunsik just feels as cold and empty as his bed, feeling as if even _ he _ is just someone from his own past, a detached feeling in his heart as he watches everything pass by without the warmth Ilhoon took along with him when he left. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.qa/crashingfalling)


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